Ouch.

The other day I was listening to my Josh Groban station on Pandora. (If any of you don't know what Pandora is like, basically it plays whichever artist you pick, along with other songs and artists that are similar.) Anyways, the song "When You Say You Love Me" by Josh Groban comes on... I skip it because of the hurtful memories it brings back. The VERY next song that came up was "Come What May" from the Moulin Rouge Soundtrack... wow.. what an utterly painful coincidence, and I skip it for the very same reason. Not expecting anything more from it, I tossed my phone on my bed and went back to folding my clothes when I heard the first notes of "Don't Wanna Miss a Thing" by Aerosmith come through the speakers.... :( I turned Pandora off after that.

The pain that these songs bring back is still almost unbarable, even almost four years later. I know that because of what happened back on October 19, 2007, I don't allow myself to open myself up FULLY to anyone else. I don't trust people. And I don't take very many chances on people and when I do, I don't give them my all. I don't know what to do. In a way I feel like I never really got closure. It all happened so fast and so abrubtly. I remember the night it happened like it was yesterday. I can still feel that pain, as though my world came crashing down on me yesterday. Not a day has passed in the past four years that I have not thought about it.

Lately thought I've been thinking about it a lot more. I don't want to though. I don't want to hurt. I don't want this pain. I wish so badly I could forget what broke me into the crumbs of a person I feel I am today. I don't know how to fix it. I don't know what to do. :(

A couple months ago, I re-purchased the movie Moulin Rouge (BIG step for me)... And attempted watching.  BIG mistake. A couple hours and a box of used tissues later, I realized that the pain, no matter how hard I wish it away, will always be there, hiding deep inside me so no one, not even those closest to me, will ever see how much its truely tearing me apart.

I honestly don't know what to do.